


The Perfect's Guide for a Méange à Trois

by erena



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternative universe (kinda), But i can assure you they knocked up, Cell is a cheap Casanova, Cell really wants to be a unique child, Frieza is a bad bro, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Not Beta Read, We Die Like Men, but Cell loves it anyway, but Goku kinda likes his bad pick up lines, oh yes they did, or just Canon Divergence, the androids are a family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 19:27:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20533328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erena/pseuds/erena
Summary: It starts like the best jokes out there: a bug, a monkey and a lizard share the same room.Or,  how a one night stand leaded a certain android to become homeless.[Cell/Goku][Past! Cell/Frieza]





	The Perfect's Guide for a Méange à Trois

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, i'm back! With my favourite pairing too!  
Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking,and you're right: apparently i am not able to write anything but stories involving an android that will never, ever come back to the Dragon Ball franchise.  
...  
I'm not bitter.  
I honestly don't think i need to warn about any triggers, but if you're sensible make sure to check the end notes to see if there is something that may annoy you!  
Forgive my mistakes, i am not a native speaker. Feel free to point out everything that seems off! I'd love to improve my storytelling (and my poor grammar).  
Enjoy!

###  The Perfect's Guide to a Ménage à Trois 

It was almost sunrise and the android waited patiently for his guest to wake up, staring in silence at the left area of his small bedroom.

The aseptic, spotless white paint of the walls made a huge contrast with the orange suit that was abandoned on the floor, and one of the blue waistbands of the guy was laying on the lampshade like a beached fish; the android's eyes kept returning on those disturbances of the crystal clean perfection of his bedroom, and he couldn't help but keep questioning himself if the guy was color blind for wearing orange and blue together - even if what he _really_ wanted was staring at the blank wall and zoning out; but such a mess was unnerving for the android: he could always wake up the guy that was sleeping next to him and tell him to gather his belongings from his fucking floor, but first of all he was pretty sure that the mess was partially his fault too and the guy would probably point that out, especially after being waken up for basically nothing; second, Cell didn't want to deal with his occasional lover yet, especially because it was already morning and usually mornings weren't as funny as the nights that forewent them. 

It was a recurring event, steps always the same like in a well learned dance: the android would pretend to sleep while the guest of duty would crawl out of his home like a rat in the shadows, leaving behind the bed that they had shared for a night. Cell was okay with that behaviour, that was why he pretended to be asleep even if he didn't even need sleep: it was easier that way. No questions, no awkward goodbyes or embarassing breakfasts enveloped by silence. Mammals were really unconfortable with their own instinct - or better, they were uncomfortable with the sexual hangover of the morning after; Cell had tried to adapt to their attitude and wait quietly in the kitchen with an offered breakfast on the table just to be a perfect gentleman and all that shit, but his morning silencies had usually made his one night stands freaking out _worse_, and after a while he had stopped caring about it. It was their lost, if they preferred acting like idiots instead of accepting his hospitality (or admit how perfect of a gentleman he was). 

His sister, the voice of pragmatism, had suggested to act more like an organic creature so they would be more... comfortable around him other than in the heat of a quickie: he could start actually eating with them at mornings, for example, instead of folding his arms and staring at them - but Cell couldn't see the point of mimicking organics: all of his night lovers had been aware that he wasn't a normal creature. He was insectoid, Jesus Chirst, his esoskeleton was out of his body for everyone to see it！

His brother on the other hand had just commented if he really had brought people home and let them _actually_ sleep. Seriously, who was he, the Dalai Lama? Cell had just rolled his eyes at his words, and had kicked him out of his home when his brother came back the next time with a bunch of pamphlets and stickers from the Catholics Charities Center. Then his brother came back _again_ lately with another idea, and Cell made the huge mistake of listening to the dysfuncional being his brother was... And he ended up with an angry red mark on his cheek and ringing ears for the hysteric yells of the female lover he tried to offer money to the next morning. And his sister dared to blame _him_ for everything when he told her - and that fucker of Seventeen just laughed his heads off when Cell told _him_, like it hadn't been his own idea in the first place. He had said that it was supposed to be a joke and Cell hadn't a iota of humour in his blood apparently. So, his fault again. 

This man wouldn't be different from others (even if Cell wouldn't offer him money, hell no) : he was just lazier, because he didn't look at all like a person about to wake up, let alone faking being asleep - probably because he had held up Cell's pace, the previous night, and now he was drained or something like that... Cell was an android after all, with infinite energy and all of that stuff. He had no problem with leaving the boy alone and let him sleep till noon, honestly, he only hoped that it would be a pleasant awakening as like it had been a pleasant night - he just wasn't going to keep his hopes up, period. 

Cell felt muscular arms tightening around his waist, and with surprise he felt the boy nuzzling his face into the smoothest part of his tail. It twitched at the stimulation, and became still under the warmth of the boy's quiet breath.  
_I think he has a death desire,_ thought Cell glancing over his shoulder; he slowly untangled himself from the tight hug without waking up the boy, an uneasy task given to the fact that Cell himself was more than two meters tall, heavy and with big wings on his back. The bed squeaked under his weight, a loud protest in the silence of the morning, and Cell frozed waiting to see those nice dark eyes open slowly.  
The boy didn't even _move_.  
_... Weird,_ thought Cell, and successfully crawled out of the bed. _I hope i didn't actually break him last night._

What was his name again? Goku, was it? A short, easy name for a young, attractive and easy going man; Cell fought with himself for a moment and finally he went to the kitchen. It was the worst kitchen he'd even had so far, an ugly jumble of kitchen appliances he didn't need and surfaces of an even uglier taupe color; he only bought it because it had a kitchen island with high stools - the only type of chair he could sit comfortably on - and the highest pot rack he had been able to get his hands on, so he could just hang his pots all over it and forget about them for the next century. _Maybe the time has come to figure out what those odds and ends are for_, the android thought eyeing his larder to find something to arrange a meal with. He had some fresh food here and there, fruits and veggies and on the top shelf of the larder something that looked like gianduja milk: it was enough to make a small snack - well, a small snack for a saiyan like Goku anyway, and he had the impression this time his guest would appreciate something to...  
And then the front door slammed open, and Cell slowly turned to frame the door and the hole that the door handle had carved into his wall, and then he even slowlier turned his gaze to frame the angry alien that was on the gateway.

" I am going to include that in my fee." The android said as greeting. 

" You don't need a fee if you are dead," the white alien answered in a growl. 

Cell sighed and gave his back to the other, focusing back on his previous task. " What do you want, Frieza?"

He could heard Frieza's tail swung in nuisance, but his voice had lost the murderous tone. " Your life," he said, his ki moving into the kitchen and landing onto a high stool. Cell dared a quick glance, and he saw Frieza all crooked up in a way that was unlikely for a lord like him, his three-toes feet clenched around the legs of the stool and his chin in his hand, watching at the android with intent eyes in a clear attempt of intimidating him. 

Too bad the android wasn't intimidate the slightest. " You know, i am kinda busy right now."

" You should be busy working on my spaceship."

" You're right: i should. But i'm not doing it," said Cell with a dry tone: he knew that someone like Frieza wasn't used to hear No as an answer, being the Emperor of Everything and yadda yadda, but... really, that shit again? " We've already covered this topic, and you already know what i think of your project. So there is no point in further discussions."

"... Only because i asked for a reflective coating..."

" No," hissed Cell, turning to eye-kill the space tyrant that still looked unimpressed even in front of his wrath, " you asked for a spaceship with reflective coating **and** a negative electomagnetic field, to be invisible on radars. And that means that all the ships out there will crash into yours, since they cannot see or detect it in any way. I will not have a role in this..."

Frieza smiled smugly. " You were only an idea in your creator's mind when i was steerring the biggest space army in existence. No ship will crash into mine, as long as i am the one leading it."

" You can be the fucking space Houdini for all i care," Cell growled. He was about to explode in curses towards the space tyrant, but as he grew older he had become actually better at controlling his temper ~ at least he wasn't about to activate his internal bomb and raze his own home (like he did more than once when he was younger). " My point is, when the Galactic Patrols will find your corpse floating around in the vacuum space, they'll investigate, and evenutally they'll find that the one who built that deadly trap was me. "

" ... Really. This is the reason. You _fear_ the Galactic Patrolman." Frieza couldn't be more skeptical and incredulous. " What now, are you going to tell me that you are afraid of a mass murder charge on your criminal records?"

" First of all, my criminal records are clean, " Cell pointed out icily, while chopping with feeling a white root that was really similar to the tyrant's tail. 

" Yours? _Clean?_ **How?! **I've phisically seen you breaking twelve laws just last.. "

" I faked my death with a self destruction every time i was on the ropes, and started over with a new fake ID every time. "

Frieza's hand flew towards his chest. " Oh thank my nonexistent God, i was starting to think that i've completely mistaken you for a good guy!"

Cell tsked, pretty offended by those words: he, a good guy? Not even his nonexistent mother would have taken him for a _good guy._

" And to be fair i've always had my doubts," Frieza narrowed his eyes accusingly, " when you kept swearing that your real name was Armando Ramirez and Cell was only a childhood nickna... " 

Cell interrupted him as quicky as he could, because he wasn't proud of the fact he had _actually_ thought he could get away with that bullshit with anyone, much less Frieza. " B-By the way, you can choose only one of those abominations that you call changes of my original project. And these are the engineer last words." 

Frieza's tail swung again behind him, but his tip was curved in arousal. " Those are really nice last words." He lowered his gaze to the breakfast that was slowly raising under Cell's hand. " They'll look great on your grave."

Cell was about to answer that life threats lost any effect on him after the thirth time he heard them when the boy went out of his bedroom wearing only blue boxer, his eyes bleary and his hair a messed nest. Cell had almost forgot about him, and shutted his mouth while Frieza pushed himself as far as he could from the kitchen island, as he was trying to put the greatest distance possible between him and Goku. " Space Jesus Chirst, _what is that！_"

Goku yawned, still half asleep, and blinked slowly when he saw Frieza. "... Lord Frieza?"

" Ugh. You _actually_ bedded a monkey," said Frieza ignoring him totally. " We need to talk about the level that your acquaintances need to have until you are going to work under me, cockroach."

" This is rich, coming from the tyrant that has the prince of saiyans as a _pet,_" smirked Cell, half angry for being ordered around in his own home, and half amused by Frieza's overreaction. But suddenly Goku was in his personal space, bending outwards to have a better look on what Cell was preparing - nothing too fancy, just some french toasts, a plate with straight-from-the-grocery-store cookies and a gigantic white roots-flavoured smoothie, but his eyes twinkled when he saw food nonetheless. " You are going to eat all of that?" Goku said cheerfully, as he didn't care at all about Frieza that had insulted him and his race until like ten seconds ago. 

Cell's mind was almost spechless. "... Actually... is for you?"

Goku litterally lit up like a firework. " Really?！Aw, thank you man！" He half-kissed half-bited the closest part of his skin that he could reach, the side of his collarbone, and litterally stole the unfinished breakfast from his hands. Cell felt the little soreness that his lovebite had left on his goosebumped skin while watching the boy litterally scooping the food into the dark hole of his mouth; _he eats as he kiss,_ thought the android: hungrily and eager, happy to take all of the tongue (or the food) he could fit. 

" You can actually have manners and at least sit, monkey," said Frieza from his stool, with a playful undertone; Cell didn't know how to feel knowing that the tyrant was watching while he was dealing with his occasional lover, even if their own relationship was based on mutual bickering and on the weird shit that happened between two unsocial people that actually get along.  
He took a sip of his own juice, watching with a hidden smile how Goku's brain took actually five second to rise from the nothingness every saiyan brain fell into while eating, and turned his head to look at Frieza still munching on a toast.  
The two stared at each other for an entire minute, enough for Cell to lose him hidden smile and start wondering if he had to do something before -

" Naw ~ i dont think i can sit, my ass is still sore."

Cell choked on his juice; Frieza's jaw dropped slightly. "... Pardon me?"

Goku launched another inquietant amout of food in his mouth, swallowed everything and continued undaunted: " Well, i said to not hold back, and he went down heavily," Goku shrugged. " It was fun, but my first time bottoming too, so..." 

_The first time i eat anything in months, and I am gonna choke to death on it,_ thought Cell hysterically, while a quiet voice whispered in his mind: _Is the first time in months that i bring someone in my bed, and he is gonna scream out loud that we fucked._  
And then, _He is screaming out loud that we fucked in front of my goddamn boss._  
And then, _thank God he is screaming out loud that we fucked in front of my boss and not one of my brothers._  
And last, _oh my God, he **could** scream out loud that we fucked in the earrange of my brothers!_

It was the lack of oxygen, it was the only explanation for his train of irrational thought, that's for sure, but the only thought that Seventeen could learn something about it...

He was too lost in his apocalyptic thoughts and almost missed the way Frieza gained back his selfcontrol and answered. A part of him really wished he had.

" Yeah, i agree. He really charges like an elephant in a rampage, right?"

" ... What." His own voice was so little that he barely recognized it himself. _He cannot have pulled out that old story,_ thought Cell, yet the alien had done it. That asshole！  
Well, it wasn't his fault if Frieza had a kink for fine specimen！And if he had searched for occasional sex despite being basically the emperor of the entire galaxy！  
... And if he ended up recruiting him as his personal engineer, once they had shared an interesting series of weekends - just because Cell was broke as shit, since he couldn't bring himself to care about any job, not really, if he didn't even have any organic urge to satisfy, just like eating or buying things he wouldn't use or just being able to merge into the crowd of earthlings just like his brothers were able to. What was the point of _not_ being fired, if he didn't need money to sustain himself in the first place? Cell shivered at the memory of Seventeen wiggling some pamphlets about AHDH syndrome under his nose, because apparently he didn't even graduated from college but he was skilled enough to give him diagnosys of his mental state... 

" Oh, you too?" Said Goku as it was totally normal, throwing Cell out of his thoughts. " You and him? When?"

" Long ago," smirked the galactic tyrant. " But i still remember his attitude. And some of his qualities."

Goku bursted into laugh, still eating as much as possible；Cell was litterally drooling all of the juice out of his dropped jaw.  
" Qualities, huh? I remember his..."

" Okay, time out. Time the fuck out," squeaked Cell, " we will not talk about my dic- my _qualities_ in my kitchen." He had to put a firm point on that situation, especially because he was really interested into hearing someone sing his praises, and that was just lame. He was a grown up creature that had surpassed his egocentric phase, okay? Eighteen would be so proud, if she could hear him... not that she was going to ever know about this. Never.  
**Ever.**

" Vulgar bug," said Frieza unimpressed. And then added referring to the saiyan, because he was a monster, " has he done that seventy-one thing with you?"

" Seventy one what?" Asked Goku, his interest piqued, and Cell jumped in to avoid any further explanation. " Stop. I said stop. Frieza, get out."

The lizard chuckled. " Are you going to work on my ship?"

" No!"

The alien's smile became wider, and he started caressing the kitchen island table with the tip of his fingers, like he was trying to learn how to fingerpaint on unusual surfaces. It was the second creepiest thing Cell had ever seen. " Oh goodie. Monkey, let me explain what a seventy-one is, then: is a sixty-nine position, with two fingers stick up into your..."

" You bastard!" Cell slapped his hand on the table that broke under his palms；he was so angry that he was boiling up, fangs bared and eyes on fire. Goku blinked at his rage, sliding a little further maintaining a tight hold on his food.  
" I will make that goddamn spaceship, just get the fuck out of there!"

Frieza just sticked a finger in the air, shaking it like a parent would do in front of a disrespectful child: he didn't even _flich_ in response of Cell's wrath. " Now, now, we are closer, but not enough." 

Cell looked at him in disbelief: what the hell the tyrant wanted? Wasn't his spaceship the goddamn point of everything? " I... what...?"

" Everyone can build a spaceship, cockroach." Explained Frieza, and then he focused again on Goku. " Lets talk about endurance, shall we?"

" Um, well..."

" Yea cm'on, spit it out, i believe in you~"

Goku really opened his mouth to answer, and Cell felt like he was going to slowly slip into the abyss. But he knew what Frieza wanted, now. " The reflective coat," he said in a low voice, " and the negative electromagnetic field. This is what you want, am i right?"

Goku watched at him with confusion, and Cell shaked his head in disbelief, finally yielding. " I'll do it."

" Hm? Did you say something, my dear?"

" You heard me," Cell hissed - he wasn't going to play Frieza's games: he wasn't happy with just gaining what he wanted, no, he wanted to hear the i-am-wrong-you-are-right song. But Cell wasn't an obedient finch. " And open your ears well: in the exact second i'll finish, i am going to buy the most powerful telescope i can get my hands on, and i am going to see you colliding with a mindless asteroid into a burst of light and scrap. **And i am going. to enjoy. every. second. of it**."

" W-wow," stuttered Goku that hadn't missed at all the murderous tone of the android. The other two stared at each other for an entire minute, and then Frieza chuckled with a small smile.  
" What a pity. I was enjoying the chit chat."

Cell growled, but he was a little relieved - there were been high possibilities that Frieza wouldn't stop even in front of his white flag. At least now the sexual convo was over and, more importanly, he was going to get his hand on Frieza's ship and, you know, nowadays radars are pretty defective... How they say? Small mortal accidents could always happend...  
And even more important, he could now kick Frieza out and focus back on his saiyan meal - he had a bit of tension to relieve...

" Tomorrow, bugboy~" chanted Frieza with a cheerful tone, " I will wait for you~... and oh, by the way, use some protection, jeez. You can't know what kind of disease some animals can carry." He jumped off the stool, greeting the saiyan with a bow. " It wasn't a pleasure to meet you, monkey," he said with a quirk on his lips, and reached the broken door.

" I will send you the bill for that!" Yelled Cell, because he was childish and he needed to have the last word. 

The tyrant waved his hand at him without even turning back.

Goku followed their exchange with a brow raised. " He's kinda mean, isn't he?"

" You have no idea..." Cell mumbled, and then a thought came in his mind. " You already met him before, right?"

And that was the stupidest question he had ever done in his life - Goku was a saiyan, Space Jesus, and there wasn't anything like a Frieza-free saiyan currently alive.

" Why would i," Goku answered, suddenly dry as the Dead Sea. " He just enslaved my people, destroyed my home planet and forced me to work for him."

_W-wow,_ thought Cell speechless. He'd never thought that Goku knew how to be sarcastic, and didn't looked at all like a person that would hold a grudge against someone - those kind of feelings were... wrong, on his expression and in his voice. " Then why are you working for him?" He looked like a man that wouldn't accept easily to work for someone like Frieza, even if his life would be at risk. He was exaclty the type that would rather die than doing something bad against his own will.

" It's not like i _want to_," murmured Goku, glaring at nothing in particular. He was thinking about something, in that moment. " But Vegeta says that..." and then, Cell saw the saiyan biting down physically at his tongue and falling into silence. He already gave him enough informations, though: Cell knew who Vegeta was, everyone that had worked even once for Frieza knew him. The prince enslaved by the tyrant, the last offense to an entire race - a mocking laugh right in the face of a proud warrior lineage. There was no doubt that Frieza kept the pince alive only because he was a political pawn, not due to his skills or power level - Vegeta wasn't even a general, only a low lieautenant at the bottom of a totem pole. He was a prince with no kingdom, no freedom, no pride... no value. Goku probably was even below him.

It was no difficult to figure out what brought the saiyans to maintain a low profile - to survive, of course, but for revenge too. Probably for Goku was more on the line of freedom instead of revenge, but Cell knew Frieza enough to be sure that he wouldn't drop the ball so easily, and Goku wasn't a child: he was in his thirthies, and he couldn't be so naive to think that everything would resolve itself in swetness and light.

" It doesn't matter what Vegeta said." Cell tilted his head, eyes fixed on Goku. " There is no way you'll survive, if you rebel against him."

Goku was so incredulous for have been caught so easily that Cell had almost pity of him; sure, Cell was a genius and all, but honestly even the most ignorant minion would understand what Vegeta had said to keep Goku in line. " ... Who talked about rebelling...?"

" Don't you even dare," he said cruelly, because he liked that saiyan but he wasn't going to sugarcoat things for him or being gentle or mindful of his fragile feelings. " You're insulting my intelligence, and it's not a smart thing to do." Goku threw a weird piqued up glance towards him, like he actually wanted to accept the challenge. What an idiot, really... " And i'll suggest to keep your mouth shut in general, if you want to see many other sunrises."

"... Dunno what are you talking about," Goku said with a childish, stubborn expression, so comical that Cell almost smiled in amusement. _He's not going to be alive for long,_ he thought, _but sure he is fun to be around._  
" You're so bad at acting that is almost a shame," Cell said while black raven eyes looked at him, bright and smiling because he knew what was coming next, " at lest now i am sure that you didn't fake anything last night."

Cell probably needed to cut their connection as soon as possible due to that new information - he couldn't risk to be associated with rebels, not since the Earth was under Frieza's rule and his brothers lived in there - but he was going to use _at the best_ the limited time they had.

A flare of energy spiked up, and both men twitched at the aknowledgment.

" What's going on...?" Goku asked to no one, bending out the window frame to look outside. " What's this shado- ow, _shit._"

Not a good sign. Cell ran out of his house, looking at the sky above. Could it be that bastard...?  
_It is, _ thought the android. _Fucking Space Christ._

Frieza was up in the sky, smiling with malice at the android's sight；on his index there was a violet, tiny ball of energy covered by black lightining, which was pulsing like it was alive.

" Ummm," blinked Goku with an hint of concern, still hanging out of the window, and Cell lift up in midair and shouted, " **What the hell, Frieza?!**"

" Nothing, my dear," he said slowly, letting his words roll on his tongue like a sweet pastry, " it is only a friendly reminder that the next time i order something, the only thing i want to hear is _yes, my Lord._"

And then he just dropped the ball. Cell watched that energy fall on him, still for a moment with his mind going blank, incapable of believing that that bastard was about to destroy his fucking cottage...!  
Then a body crashed on his own, sending both on the ground some meters further, and before Cell could even understand the fuck was happening, Goku's face was pressed on his ear, his hand litterally scooping him up from the ground. "Runrunrun," was chanting the saiyan with urgency, and finally Cell gained enough consciousness to rush with Goku out of his soon-to-be-a-wasteland property.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for staying with me till the end!  
I hope you've enjoyed this ride! I may have some ideas for this universe... we'll see. For now, i'll leave it as a one shot.  
Thank you again, and spread the Cell/Goku pairing everywhere, my babies! 
> 
> Possible Triggers:  
Situations involving hookups/one night stands, so there are not feelings involved (yet); bad puns about Christianity and the Dalai Lama; innuendos about sexual (interracial) activities, positions and other sex-related topics; discussion about criminal acts and how to get away with them; a brief reference about disrespecting an occasional lover (and honestly sex workers too). In general, Cell and Frieza just being jerks, please dont take them seriously (or me, for that matter).


End file.
